It’s in our DNA to want to belong.
Yet, somewhere along the way, we’ve lost sight of what matters most – a deep connection to ourselves, others, and the natural world. It can be argued that we’re experiencing a “connection crisis”.
Amid the global pandemic, political and economic uncertainty, and the rapid growth of digital technology, many of us have found ourselves feeling lonely and disconnected. Things that were once certain feel uncertain and have thrown us off our axis.
Many of us are feeling lost, without a tribe. We’re yearning to find our kindred spirits; to be a part of a community with shared values, purpose, and identity; to experience being a part of something bigger than us, but in which we play our part.
Build a better NormalDespite being in a better position than our ancestors in satisfying basic safety and survival needs, belonging is still a fundamental human need. In his well-known hierarchy of human needs, Maslow maintains that humans have a “…pervasive and compelling need to belong.” When this need goes unmet, as many are now encountering, we can experience loneliness, self-doubt, and ill health.
This makes sense considering neuroscientific research shows physical pain and psychological pain cause very similar nervous system responses. Talking about someone having a broken heart is not always just a figure of speech. In the wake of a traumatic physical or emotional event, like losing a loved one, the heart muscle can weaken.
Put simply, we’re hard-wired for touch and social connection. Being in the physical presence of a friend or family member, or experiencing contact like a hug, releases “feel good” hormones like serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin. This helps us feel better and improves our immune system. It also strengthens communication and reinforces relationships.
The quality of our relationships, not the quantity, is vital for our well-being and thriving. A few very close friends can be enough to have a sense of meaning and belonging.
How is it that, during a time when we’re more connected than ever by technology, many of us are feeling a greater sense of disconnection and loneliness than ever?
In this digital age, just what that tribe looks like, who it is comprised of and how it connects, are unlike anything in human history. Modern tribes and their unique subcultures have proliferated across digital, physical and global spaces. In the dizzying array of potential opportunities for belonging, paradoxically, we can be left feeling more alone and “on the outer”.
While on the one hand, technology has made it possible for like-minded people to find each other without geographical constraints, on the other, when we avoid real-life interactions in preference to virtual interactions, our well-being suffers.
It’s important to acknowledge that it’s young people that are affected most by this crisis. The world’s largest loneliness study found that 40% of 16 to 24-year-olds feel lonely, and this is true across countries, cultures, and genders. Many young people describe feeling like they don’t matter, are not understood, and cannot express their feelings. We need to do better at ensuring all people, especially young people, feel like they matter.
People thrive when they feel needed. People languish when they feel dispensable. Zach Mercurio
This languishing includes physical ill health. One study shows that loneliness increases the chance of early death more than well-known factors like smoking and obesity. In Western society, our systems have also served to disconnect us. They are constructed to make us compete with one another and admire self-reliance and independence. We think it’s time to shift our mindsets and rebuild our systems for the greater good in favour of cooperation, collaboration, and compassion.
The Covid-19 pandemic highlights the need for this shift in mindset. Differences in values and beliefs around issues like vaccination, social distancing, mask-wearing, and the accuracy of data reported, became heated issues that caused a lot of disconnection – including among family and close friends. Confronted by fear and uncertainty, people held tight to their beliefs.
What’s vital is the courage to be curious and seek to understand others’ points of view. We can all remain connected and thrive by acting with respect and compassion.
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive. Dalai Lama
By cultivating compassion, we can open ourselves up and be vulnerable, encouraging others to do the same. Creating a safe space for people to tell their stories is a powerful way of deepening our connections. It fosters a collective sense of belonging, allows us to see common ground and, ultimately, recognise our shared humanity. This level of vulnerability isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
By acting with compassion, our relationships and connections grow stronger. This is something that great teams and partnerships know. Strong teams are more likely to find innovative solutions when difficult situations arise. In his book “Powers of Two” Joshua Wolf Shenk discusses the essence of innovation in creative pairs:
Sometimes, one plus one adds up to more than two, or ten. It adds up to infinity. Joshua Wolf Shenk
After millennia of being told, “this is who you are”, many of us are now asking for the first time in generations, “Who do I want to be?” When exploring this complex question, we face an interesting paradox: while only our core selves can truly provide the answer, our most important learnings and insights will come from the people around us.
Many will be familiar with Jim Rohn’s quote, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If we want to do things differently and improve ourselves, the people we connect with will influence who we become the most. This isn’t a trivial matter – we need to choose wisely.
Very few of us can truly go it alone. Wherever we are going and for whatever reasons we choose to go there, we need a tribe. To challenge our thinking and beliefs, to support us through times of uncertainty, and perhaps most importantly, to make us feel like we matter.
